PERFECTIONISM

PERFECTIONISM

Experience shows that the trait usually develops in childhood, often from parents, teachers or contemporaries who drive a child to constantly do better – 80% should be 100%. 

Being in the football team wasn’t good enough unless you were captain. Playing an instrument required you to practice relentlessly, and then some more. 

The legacy for many young people is they feel that, no matter what they do, it is never good enough. You may carry this ‘Nothing I do is ever good enough’ belief with you into adulthood as a self-defeating belief, and – even though you are probably very successful in most areas of your life – you may constantly criticize yourself and feel worthless because you aren’t doing things perfectly.

While one explanation for perfectionist tendencies is that your parents were always stretching you to achieve more, there are of course many others:

· Desperately needing to please a parent. This might be out of fear or even love where, for example, financial sacrifices were made to ensure you received a good education.

· Sibling rivalry.

· Scholastic rivalry – perhaps being in competition with one or two other pupils to ‘always be the best’.

· Feeling of inferiority, either at home or in adult personal relationships that taught you conditional love (‘Unless I’m perfect, my family/partner will not care for me’).

· Being heavily criticized. ‘Either, I’ll show them!’ or throwing yourself into work or academia with a determination to be the best.

· The pressures of living a fast-paced life where everyone else does seem to manage ten things at once and still finds time to make their own hand-embroidered cushion covers. This fosters the view that you must be able to achieve at the same level to have any sort of self-worth.

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Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

                                                              Confucius, Chinese philosopher

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PERFECTIONISM	THE HEALTHY PURSUIT OF EXCELLENCE
1. You are motivated by the fear of failure or by a sense of duty.	1. You are motivated by enthusiasm and you find the creative process exhilarating.
2. You feel driven to be number one, but your accomplishment, however great, never seem to satisfy.	2. Your efforts give you feelings of satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment, even if You aren’t always “the greatest”.
3. You feel you must earn your self-esteem. You think you must be “very special” or intelligent or successful to be loved and accepted by others.	3. You enjoy a sense of unconditional self-esteem. You do not feel you have to earn love and friendship by impressing people with your intelligence or your success.
4. You are terrified by failure. If you do not achieve an important goal, you feel like a failure as a human being.	4. You are not afraid to fail because you realise that no one can be successful all the time. Although failure is disappointing, you see it as an opportunity for growth and learning.
5. You think you must always be strong and in control of your emotions. You are reluctant to share vulnerable feelings like sadness, insecurity, or anger with others. You believe they would think less of you.	5. You’re not afraid of being vulnerable or sharing your feelings with people you care about. This makes you feel closer to them.