ANGER

ANGER

Anybody can become angry,

that is easy;

but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree,

and at the right time, and for the right purpose,

and in the right way, that is not within everybody’s power,

that is not easy.

                                                                                                                                                     Aristotle, Ancient Greek philosopher

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OVERCOMING YOUR ANGER HABIT

· Of all the emotions, with the exception of passionate love, anger seems to be the hardest emotion to control.

· This ‘anger habit’ includes the tendency to experience temper tantrums, feelings of ongoing frustration, resentment and irritability.

· Becoming angry doesn’t make you a bad person!

· A ‘trigger’ is an event, person or cognition that sets off an emotional reaction. Trigger recognition is crucial to anger work.

· Possible triggers include: being ignored, criticism, the insensitivity of others, rudeness, having feeling dismissed or ignored by other people, feeling vulnerable, having weaknesses exposed, feeling humiliated, other people’s incompetence and frustration.

· Dogmatic expectations and demands about how others should behave just don’t work. Angry self-righteousness dissipates when we respect other people’s right to hold different values, belief systems and standards from our own.

· Simply accepting the reality that you do get inappropriately angry is half the battle to reducing such responses.

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Anger Is Not Always A Bad Thing

The word ‘inappropriate’ is important. Anger is not always a bad thing. The key is being able to control your anger, and to use it only when it is appropriate, while containing it when it is not.

‘Letting it all out’ has actually been shown to have healthy benefits, compared to repressed anger that you hold inside and which eats away at you. However, there are ways of letting things out that don’t involve you becoming apoplectic, so use this with caution.

So, don’t attempt to eliminate anger from your life – there are many ways in which healthy anger can be a helpful and motivating tool.

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Where Anger Comes From

Anger is built on your expectations regarding the ideals and behaviours of others. You expect people to treat you fairly and they don’t. You expect them to be nice to you and they aren’t. You expect them to help you and they walk away.

Each time someone breaks a rule of yours, violates a contract or acts against your wishes, a possible option is to react with anger. You do not absolutely have to – it is your choice!

Unfortunately, people do not always feel that they are in control of this choice – you feel unable to manage your emotions and it is as though it has already been decided for you and you act accordingly.

PS! No one else makes you angry! You decide whether to respond with anger or not. It is always your choice, and no one else can influence this unless you allow them to.

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THE ANGER SPIRAL

You are familiar now with the relationship between what you ‘think’ and how you ‘feel’. A situation, such as a rude boss, may be the external trigger and your thought, ‘How dare he speak to me like that?’ triggers the emotion of anger. It is the thought that drives the emotion – at least initially. However, once in the spiral, the emotion then drives further negative thoughts such as, ‘He really is a bully. He shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it.’ In turn, this makes you even angrier than before – and so on, until the anger gets quite out of control.

PS! Rigid thinking, with lots of ‘shoulds’ in it will ensure that you lose control of your emotions very quickly when others fail to respond to your rules. Learning to be more flexible in your views of how others behave will reduce anger and stress.

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Learning To Own Your Anger

One of the difficulties of managing anger in difficult situations is the idea that none of this is your fault. If the other person had not done this, that or the other, you would never have reacted in that way. You may be partially right. Someone may have been extremely thoughtless, careless, acted stupidly or whatever, and you may be the victim of their rotten judgement. However, while the other person is responsible for their actions, you are responsible for your response.

· You are the owner of your anger.

· You are the decision-maker about when and to what extent you use this emotion.

· No one else decides this for you.

· Of course people sometimes work very hard to provoke you.

· Nevertheless, managing anger in an intelligent way is still your responsibility. You control – and therefore decide on – your reactions.

Using humour is an excellent tool for refusing anger.

Ask yourself, ‘Is this situation really worth getting het up about? What other ways can I look at this?’

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