ASSUMPTIONS AND BELIEFS
Core beliefs
“We simply assume that
the way we see things
is the way they really are, or the way they should be
and our attitudes and
behaviours grow out of these assumptions”.
Stephen
R. Covey, Everyday Greatness
(NATs = Negative
Automatic Thoughts)
Deeper layers of thinking
You can now
identify your negative thoughts and challenge their validity through some
techniques:
Automatic thoughts
(Your day to day thinking, usually in
response to a specific trigger)
Assumptions
(Ideas that you have about yourself,
others, and life in general. You develop ‘rules for living’ that
support and respond to these assumptions)
Core beliefs
(Basic, solid beliefs that you can
sometimes misinterpret as truth and facts)
Automatic Thoughts
(Top layer)
One
of the features of negative automatic thoughts (NATs) is that they are event-specific. That is to say, there is
usually a trigger event, which might be something negative you can clearly
identify, such as losing a job or a partner, having a quarrel with a friend or
having a car accident, etc. The trigger event can be as straightforward as
suddenly having an image or idea when you are sitting at home alone in the
evening time or doing a spot of gardening. It is the event (in whatever shape
or form) that, for one reason or another, engenders negative thoughts in your
mind that you then have to deal with. A further feature of NATs (negative
automatic thoughts) is that they may spring from, and therefore match with,
deeper and more absolute beliefs that you hold.
Assumptions (Middle layer)
Assumptions
link your beliefs to your day-to-day thinking. In this sense, they are the
middle layer of the thinking. They also create your ‘rules for living’. For
example, if you hold a negative belief that you are a boring person, then you
may make an assumption that, ‘if I talk to people socially, they will find me
dull and uninteresting’. Such an assumption
may activate your rules for living.
When you receive a party invitation, you may think, ‘I won’t go. No one will
want to talk to me’. Or you may go, but decide, ‘I’ll just stand by myself in
the corner and hope no one notices me. That way, I won’t have to talk to
people’.
Your
rules for living
You
may develop a rule for living not to socialise because you consider this will
prevent your ‘I’m boring’ belief being put to the test. You may hold an
assumption that, ‘If I stay on the bottom rung of the career ladder, doing
simple work I can easily handle, then hopefully, I won’t lose my job. In this
way you will be developing a rule for living that it is better not to do
anything difficult so that your (perceived) incompetence will never be
discovered.
Identifying
your rules
For
instance, if you believe you are unlovable, one of your rules for living might
be to be as nice as pie to everyone, no matter how they treat you, in order to
mitigate this. Assumptions tend to have an, ‘If... then...’ quality about them,
such as:
· ‘If
I don’t do everything perfectly then I’m a failure.”
· ‘If
I make a mistake then I will be punished’.
· ‘If
I put my trust in people then I’ll get hurt.’
· ‘If
I show emotion then I’ll be rejected’.
· ‘If
I need other people’s help then I’m weak’.
Your core beliefs will drive your
assumptions, which in turn create your rules for living. For example:
My belief
|
Assumptions
|
My rules for living
|
I’m not
likeable.
|
If I try
to get close to people they will reject me.
|
Keep a low
profile. Be polite but never lower my guard.
|
I’m no
good at personal relationships
|
If I get
too close to people they will see my vulnerability and I’ll simply get hurt.
|
Turn down
one-to-one invitations where possible. Sabotage opposite-sex friendships
early on, before I can get hurt.
|
I’m fat
and ugly.
|
If I’m
physically unattractive, then no one is going to like me.
|
Socialise as little as possible. Hide myself
in huge black clothes.
|
You can work
on both uncovering and challenging the unhelpful beliefs and assumptions that
cause you to maintain self-defeating thoughts and behaviours.
Core beliefs
are activated by difficult
experiences; for instance, failing an exam may activate a hidden, underlying ‘I
am stupid’ core belief that hasn’t surfaced for years.
Core beliefs (Bottom layer)
Such
beliefs are not event-specific, but
are absolute and unchanging. They may have developed from your childhood and/or
have been modified or cemented by adult experiences that seem to provide you
with ‘proof’ that these beliefs are true. For example, a partner splitting up
with you might serve to confirm an ‘I’m unlovable’ belief that developed in
childhood due to over-critical parents.
The reasons
we have waited until now to introduce these more deeply-held beliefs is that
you will often only discover what these are once you see patterns in your
automatic thoughts. For example, You may discover that when presented with
tasks in life that might be challenging, you always find yourself thinking
along the lines of, ‘I won’t be able to do that’, ‘I’ll probably mess this up
if I try it’ or ‘Other find all this far easier than I do’. These thought
patterns are giving you information about a possible belief you may hold, which
could be, ‘I’m inadequate’. This type of belief forms the ‘bottom layer’ of
your thinking. You regard such beliefs as absolute – they are not open to
debate, as they are simply (in your mind) facts. You may hold negative beliefs
about:
· Yourself
– ‘I’m worthless’
· Others
– ‘People always let me down’
· The
world – ‘Crime is everywhere’.
· The
future – ‘Nothing will ever change’.
Negative
beliefs can be so deep that you rarely consciously notice them. You see them as
absolute truths, ‘just the way things are’, but they are often wrong, or at
least obsolete and out of date. Usually stemming from childhood, when you
rarely, if ever, question what you learn, they keep you trapped in negativity.
Here are some examples of negative beliefs to help you understand and identify
them more clearly.
Negative
beliefs you might have about yourself:
· I’m
inadequate.
· I’m
boring.
· I’m
unlovable.
· I’m
a failure.
· I’m
a coward.
· I’m
a bad person.
· I’m
weak.
· I’m
horrible.
· I’m
unkind.
· I’m
stupid.
Negative
beliefs you might have about others:
· Other
people are cleverer than me.
· Other
people take advantage when given the chance.
· No
one listens.
· Nobody
loves me.
· Everyone
is out for themselves.
Activation
of beliefs causes difficulties
Your beliefs
may not be especially consequential unless they are activated. For example, someone with a core belief of ‘I’m
worthless’ may be hugely affected if they are turned down for a job. Instead of
putting this down to bad luck or heavy competition, they will activate
assumptions and thoughts about themselves along the lines of, ‘I’m probably
unemployable’, ‘Nothing I do works out’, etc. You need to
learn to identify unhelpful beliefs about yourself and your abilities, and to
replace them with more realistic beliefs that will be more helpful to you.
“You can transcend all negativity when
you realise
that the only power it has over you is
your belief in it.”
Eileen Caddy
Remember:
- Events themselves don’t cause us problems; it is the interpretation we give to an event or situation that will trigger underlying negative core beliefs.
- What we think decides how we feel. However, this is just as true in reverse – How we feel decides how we think.
The following exercise is helpful to
identify the core of your thoughts and moods: (Once you detect a troubled thought or
mood, the next question is)
The next question is:
Why does that matter?
The answer may be: ‘If
the presentation doesn’t go well, we may lose the client.’
Keep going. Ask yourself a further
question:
Why does that matter?
The answer may be, ‘If we lose the
client, our department won’t meet its sales targets’.
Don’t stop. Ask a third question:
Why does that matter?
The answer may be, ‘I’ll be held
responsible and I may even lose my job’.
(This is one
of the ways to try and find out the underlying
motive.)
Your
thoughts alone will not bother you – it is the emotions they gender that cause
your disturbance.
It
is important that you find alternatives thoughts.
It is not simply about looking at things in a positive way, but about
re-evaluating your thoughts to check their validity.
Questions to help you
evaluate your negative thoughts:
· Is it really true?
· Is there another way
of looking at this?
· Have I had
experiences that suggest this thought is not true all the time?
· Are there things that
contradict my negative thought that I might be discounting?
· Am I jumping to any
conclusions about the situation?
· What is the worst
thing that could happen if my fears come true?
· Am I blaming myself
over a situation that is not completely within my control?
· Am I really 100%
certain that... or is this just one of many possibilities?
· What advice would I
give a dear friend if they would come to me with this problem?
Negative
automatic thoughts (NATs) are unrealistic, pessimistic thoughts that come from
nowhere and permeate your brain. They tell you things like, ‘I’ll never come to
anything’ or ‘No one likes me’ or ‘I can’t cope’, and can be a major cause of
anxiety and depression.
It
is a waste of time trying to control or block out NATs as they are impossible
to stop. Instead, examine the validity of
your thoughts, then re-evaluating them and creating more balanced alternative
beliefs.
Constantly
question, ‘How does this serve me?’ Don’t forget that you have the choice to choose
what is best for you.
“You are today
where you thoughts have brought you.
You will be tomorrow,
where your thoughts take you.”
James Allen
- Distorted thinking is inaccurate or exaggerated where people think in terms of absolutes with no grey areas.
- Try to see negative thoughts as mere ‘possibilities’ rather than facts.
- Constantly remind yourself that negative beliefs are no more than a point of view and that they may not be true at all, no matter how strongly you believe them.
- The downward arrow technique is also extremely useful at uncovering beliefs, but this time the question will be, “What does this say about me?
‘I’ve made a stats error in the work report I’ve just
submitted’
What does that say
about me?
‘I’ve screwed up again’
And what does this
say about me?
‘It says that I’m a
loser’
And what does that mean?
‘It means that I am a
worthless person’ (Core belief)
It can take longer to work on the belief change than on thought
change. Where you have deeply-held beliefs that have been around for a long
time, they will fight you to stay in the frame.
TECHNIQUES
FOR CHANGING BELIEF PATTERNS
Changing
belief patterns falls into two, linked, categories:
- Weakening and loosening old beliefs.
- Strengthening new, more helpful beliefs.
Weighing
up the pros and cons
Ask yourself
what the advantages are of hanging on to your old belief. Then ask yourself
what are the disadvantages of continuing to hold such belief.
Working in
this way can help you to loosen the idea that your negative beliefs are helpful
and encourage you to look at things with a wider perspective.
PS! You are not trying to make yourself
believe that something is true or not; you are considering what is the most
useful belief on balance!
Using a
continuum
People are
often undeservedly hard on themselves with their beliefs. First, select a
negative belief. For example, ‘I am completely stupid’. Now look at the
continuum below:
0% = Is someone who cannot read or write
100% = Is a Nobel prize winner
100% = Is a Nobel prize winner
0%----------------------------25%------------------------------50%------------------------------75%--------------------------100%
· Where
will you place yourself in the continuum?
· What
does this exercise tell you about the reality of your belief?
Core belief: ‘I
cannot relate to people’
This exercise consists in finding one thing to say to different people- for example the person sitting next to you on the bus, the person behind you in the supermarket queue, the receptionist at work, a colleague.
This exercise consists in finding one thing to say to different people- for example the person sitting next to you on the bus, the person behind you in the supermarket queue, the receptionist at work, a colleague.
The predicted based on your core belief is:
‘They will fail to respond, or may even ignore me.
Report what actually happened: ex. Every one
responded pleasantly, and four actually engaged in conversation.
Rephrasing
assumptions
My old beliefs
|
More balanced alternatives
|
If I make mistakes,
then I’m a failure
|
We all make
mistakes sometimes; it simply means we are fallible human beings
|
If I don’t always
do my best, I’m worthless and lazy
|
Doing my best can
mean doing just what’s appropriate to a situation, not aiming for perfection
every time.
|
If this
relationship breaks down, then I’ll know I’m
unlovable.
|
Relationships break
down all the time, no matter who you are, and this often says more about the
weaknesses of our partner than about us.
|
Remember, you are not trying to eradicate
your present thinking, but simply trying to loosen them.
Abandoning ‘shoulds’,
‘musts’ and ‘oughts’
A great many of people’s negative,
self-defeating thoughts come from using the words ‘should’, ‘must’, ‘ought’.
These words imply personal failure almost every time you use them. They cause
you to make demands on yourself, and suggest that you cannot meet those
demands. For example:
· ‘I should have good
personal relationships’.
· ‘I ought to get top
marks’.
· ‘I must get this right’.
This
is not positive thinking. You may believe it is, and that you are motivating
yourself by saying these things. In fact, the exact opposite happens. You tend
to add an unspoken corollary to your, ‘I must...’ statement so that it becomes:
· ‘I must always be
(polite, charming, cleaver, etc.) and if I am not, then I’m worthless (boring,
dreary, stupid, etc)
We
would like you to visualise gathering up all these words and dropping them into
the nearest rubbish bin. What can you put in their replace? One option is using
simple acceptance. Adopt the idea that it is acceptable to be fallible and that
others also make mistakes; in other words, find a more empathetic approach.
You
can also replace ‘shoulds’, musts’ and ‘oughts’ with softer, less absolute and
critical language:
· ‘It would be great if
I can achieve this, but it’s not the end of the world if I don’t’.
· ‘It would have been
better if I’d remembered to... but I am as fallible as the next person’.
In
your workbook, write down three sentences using ‘should’, ‘must’ and ‘ought’ in
a way that relates to negative thoughts that you have had about yourself in a
recent situation. Then write the sentences again, having thrown away the
‘shoulds’, ‘musts’ and ‘oughts’.
Did
you find it easy or difficult? You will find that your assumptions will soften
considerably or change altogether as you continue to practice this simple
skill.
Creating more helpful beliefs
Old negative belief
|
New, more helpful
belief
|
I’m
unlovable
|
I
am generally likeable, with similar strengths and weaknesses to most
|
I’m
worthless
|
I
have values and strengths, and make a contribution to society
|
I’m
unable to control my life
|
I
can take control over many aspects of my life, as I take responsibility for
myself
|
Nothing
I do ever turns out well
|
Many
things I do turn well, but I tend to focus on those that don’t
|
Others
don’t give me a chance
|
I
can create my own chances and invite other people to help me enhance them
|
Life
is too hard. Every step forward is followed by two steps back
|
Life
can have periods when things are difficult for everyone, but it also offers
lots of positive, happy times.
|
How to bring positive qualities into focus
It
is simple, but very effective. Take a negative belief that you hold and, to
start with, find any evidence that might suggest your belief is not true all the time.
By
continuing using these exercises, you will find that you are gathering more and
more evidence to support your new beliefs. You are training your mind to
re-focus on your positive characteristics, and to re-evaluate the accuracy of
your negative beliefs.
SUMMARY
· Core beliefs are
thought patterns that lie beneath your assumptions, personal rules and negative
automatic thoughts (NATs) as absolute and rigid truths. They may have developed
in childhood and been fortified by experiences from other times in your life
which have, in your mind, confirmed them as true.
· This chapter is rich
in techniques to help you challenge your rigid, deeply-held views. By using
skills of assessment and deduction, such as rating your conviction of the
belief, rephrasing your assumptions and carrying out behaviour experiments, you
are gradually developing a repertoire of skills to deal with your problems.
“Mistakes
are part of being human.
Appreciate
your mistakes for what they are:
Precious
life lessons that can only be learned the hard way –
Unless
it’s a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from”
Alan Franken
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