LOW SELF-ESTEEM
Low self-esteem can be traced back to a variety of factors, most probably your upbringing, when you may have been heavily criticised and given little confidence in yourself. Perhaps you were bullied at school or found it hard to fit in. It may also have been caused by events in adulthood that have made you revise your view of yourself, for example, being fired from your job or a relationship break-up.
PS! Abuse is another possible root cause of low self-esteem. The four main commonly cited categories of abuse are: neglect, physical injury, sexual abuse and emotional abuse. Experiences of abuse, either in childhood or adulthood, can lead to feelings of low self-esteem.
Don’t depend on others making changes! - I feel so badly due to someone else’s behaviour, and need that person to change in order to feel better.
If you feel that the only way forward is for someone else to change, you may have a long wait.
Don’t look to others to provide your ‘feel-good’ factor! – One of the key features of low self-esteem is that you crave approval from others. But you cannot rely on this. The moment you say, ‘If he had not done that, I would not have felt this way’, ‘I only acted that way because of the way she behaved’, ‘If she would only treat me with respect. I’d feel so much better’, you remain trapped in your view that others are responsible for how you feel and what you do.
You risk suffering from self low-esteem forever when you blame others for making you feel the way you do. You may be right – so-and-so may be rude, may have run you down terribly, may have landed you in it, made you look a fool – but it is not about what other people do, it is about how you respond to what other people do, that decides how you feel about yourself.
PS! No one can make you feel a particular emotion. You choose to feel that way – and you have an opportunity to take responsibility for your emotions and decide not to.
Once you realise that no one else has control over how you feel and that you have excellent control over how you feel, you can put the lid on negative emotions. You don’t have to. If you wish to be angry or upset, you can be. Yet acknowledge that you are choosing to feel that way and make this choice through evaluative thinking, not using, ‘I couldn’t help it’ as an excuse.
OVER-PERSONALISATION
· Someone makes a comment about liking long hair, and you immediately think they are criticising your new short cut.
· Your boss tells you that the department is lagging behind on completing an important project on time and you assume he is commenting on your poor performance.
· You suggest to your friend or partner that you get take away pizzas tonight, and they pull a face and say, ‘No, I really don’t fancy pizza’. What you hear is, ‘what a rotten choice – can’t you think up anything better than that?’
Remember:
· Opinions are exactly that – simply points of view.
· Other people don’t always react in the best possible way. This has nothing to do with you.
EXERCISE - Looking at your potential
· What do you like about yourself, however small and fleeting?
· What positive qualities do you possess?
· What have you achieved in your life, however small?
· What challenges have you faced?
· What gifts or talents do you have, however modest?
· What skills have you acquired?
· What other people like or value in you?
· What qualities and actions that you value in others do you share?
· What aspects of yourself would you appreciate if they were aspects of another person?
· What small positives are you discounting?
· What are the bad things you are not?
· How might another person who cared about you describe you?
Conclusion
Low self-esteem can originate from many sources: for instance, having overly critical parents or authority figures as you grew up, adverse experiences in the educational system or workplace, relationship break-ups, poverty or any type of abuse. These are the kind of experiences that may have considerably affected your confidence.
No one else can make you feel or behave in a particular way. Ultimately, it is your choice whether or not you retaliate negatively in response to other people’s actions or words.
